Lack of Direction

This is likely to be a meandering post, just to prove the title above.

I started this blog as a way of being able to illustrate my experiences in university, now that I’m near the end of the journey. The easiest way for me to explain the thoughts I went through was through categorization, bullet points, a list of posts I’d made and some others I could tick off.

It hasn’t been working. Not just because of the rigidity it places on me and how I began to structure all my thoughts in terms of “a future post that could appeal to so-and-so demographic”, but also because I don’t think I’m quite qualified to give people advice on how to live their college lives. So now I don’t really know where this blog is going.

Maybe it’s an intense form of senioritis, where I hole up in my room 24/7 and just watch people living out their lives five floors above them.

Senior year is a weird sort of in-between space. You aren’t a college party cliché anymore, but neither are you out there, living a grown-up life that entails taxes and paperwork. Right now, I can’t really identify so much with the freshmen as much as I can with grad school students in my university, who are more likely to be excited over library opening hours than the next rager. But since talking to them takes serious cred, I mostly hole up in my room, where I build blanket forts in which to research future programs I want to study.

Senior year is made up of so many decisions. Is it worth blowing off three hours of prep to go out for hot chocolate? Am I right in spending $150 to apply for this program? And some other questions, which seem to have no answer, no matter how much you discuss it out. Is it worth arguing with a friend when you know you’re probably never going to see them again in a few months? How do you start making yourself into a Proper-GrownupTM ? Am I to stop my blanket forts now that I’m nearly twenty???

(as you can tell, the subject of blanket forts occupies a significant chunk of time)

Which brings me to another subject. I’m turning twenty in less than a month. To my brother, turning twenty was a more breakdown worthy event than turning thirty and I’m afraid that runs in the family. I’m exiting my teens and college at the same time???

There’s a quote in “Anne of the Island” from Anne, on her twentieth birthday, “By the time I was twenty my character would be formed, for good or evil.” I’ve tried to live by this quote for the last two years at least, counting down the days in dread of my character being fixed in stone. It’s only a month away now and I can count at least five deep character flaws off the top of my head that it’ll be impossible to fix by then – and then I won’t be able to use the excuse of being a child.

This year really does feel like entering the real world; I’ll be leaving behind most of what makes me feel secure: my family, my friends, a world of academia I’m familiar, if not entirely comfortable with, and my status of being a teen. And with that, the ways I dealt with these situations as a child also begin to disappear slowly, or at least, begin to take on new shape.

So I want to take this blog then in a direction that really talks about where I am now, rather than where I was then. Except, I don’t really know where that direction is and what that journey might actually entail.

Yours, with baby steps,


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